Who is this Even For?
A reflection on what this blog is and what I hope it can become
I’m 14 and I’m in a sleepaway camp. I’ve been going to camp for many years at this point, but this summer feels different. There’s one guy in my bunk, let’s call him David, who I’m constantly finding myself seeking out and finding excuses to speak to. I’m almost always looking at him. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention.
At first, I don’t think about this too much. David’s a popular guy, he’s great at sports, funny, and everyone seems to want to talk to him. But the way I talk to David is different. I slowly realize that the extent to which I seek him out is not like the way others seek him out. To them David is popular. To me, he’s an obsession.
It’s around this time that the other guys begin talking about the girls in our camp. The talk is typical of teenage boys, where guys are comparing how each of the girls look, and who everyone wants to ask out. I genuinely don’t understand these conversations. I literally don’t even understand how or why these guys even notice specific things about girls’ appearances. How did they notice that Rivka changed her hairstyle? Why do they even care about these things?
I distinctly remember one day that summer walking back to my bunk after shachris while daydreaming about David. Suddenly it hit me. “I’m gay,” I remember thinking. It was a sudden shock. “Me?” I asked myself. “But I’m a normal guy! How could I possibly be gay?”
The rush of emotions was intense and acute. It was a mix of shock, fear, embarrassment, uncertainty, but above all denial. “I’m not actually gay,” I reassure myself, “don’t rush to any conclusions.” But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there were other red flags that indicated that I was in fact gay, that I had just been ignoring for the past year or so. Within a matter of hours, an idea that had never even crossed my mind suddenly became the only thing I could think about.
“I need to tell someone about this,” I immediately concluded. Of course I couldn’t tell anyone, not my friends, not my counselors, and not even the rabbis. “What if David finds out?” I remember thinking. I was still processing what I had discovered and I didn’t know what I should do with this information or who I could tell it to. Right from the beginning though, sharing my perspective and my fears, was something I badly wished for. I didn’t even know how other people knowing about my discovery would help me, but I still wanted someone else to share that burden with me.
Over the ensuing months and years the desire to share my story and my struggles with others has only grown. I can’t say how many times I’ve been frustrated during a conversation because something I was saying or doing just didn’t make any sense to someone who thought I was straight. I’m not embarrassed about who I’m attracted to, but I wish the stigma around it didn’t exist. The fact of the matter is that this is something which by its very nature must be kept hidden to a certain degree, but I still wish the world could understand what I’m going through.
It’s been around two and a half months since I first launched this Substack, and by formulating ideas and anecdotes that have been floating around in my head for years into coherent blog posts, I’ve begun to better understand myself and my purpose in writing. This has been my first real opportunity to share my story to a broad audience and it has been very satisfying on a personal level to get a lot of things off my chest. The truth is though, the relief I feel from sharing my story is really only a small part of why I’m writing this Substack at all. In this post I want to take a moment to reflect on what this Substack is really about, who it’s for, and why I’m writing it.
Obviously, The Hidden Struggle has really been about my story. As the name implies, I’ve been trying to shed light on the internal struggle that I’ve been dealing with for years, that even some of the people who I’m closest to have no suspicion of. I’ve shared some stories of other people’s sensitivity or lack thereof regarding homosexuality, and I’ve shared stories of the difficulty of keeping it all a secret. As much as these stories are about me, they’re also about so many other people. I didn’t have a platform until a few months ago and there are many, many others who have had and are having similar experiences to my own, and they feel completely invisible and misunderstood. This Substack aspires to be a voice for those people, so we can all better understand what they go through and how we can help.
So, who is my intended audience? Primarily, I want to reach people who are struggling with the conflict between SSA/homosexuality and their commitment to being frum Jews. I want people like me to understand that they’re not alone, and that there are at least some resources at their disposal to make their struggle more manageable. (In future posts I hope to discuss those resources at length.)
Additionally, I want to reach people on the front lines, namely rabbis and mental health professionals within our communities, who are increasingly being called on to provide counsel regarding these issues. I’m not a rabbi, professional, or an expert in any way, but I hope that my perspective can provide these people a better understanding of the challenges their students/clients face so they can advise them in the best way possible. More broadly, I want to reach as many members of our community as possible, because I know that public discourse is far removed from where it should be, and I hope that my posts can steer the public discourse in a positive direction. Whether we realize it or not, we all know someone who is going through these challenges and it is all of our responsibility to create the best environment possible for those people. In fact, we never know when we might be called upon to provide a listening ear for someone who is struggling. I think it’s best that we all be prepared.
As far as why I’m writing this, the most satisfying thing for me to hear is that someone personally benefited from reading my work. I’ve had a few people reach out to me privately on Substack and I’m more than happy to chat with readers and hear any kind of feedback, positive or negative.1 That being said, the following message that I’m adding here in its entirety (with permission from the sender) gave me the most satisfaction out of anything readers have told me so far:
“Hey, I’m not sure if anyone ever reaches out to you, and to be honest I’m not really the type of guy that would. In any case, I’m writing to you as a fellow guy that considers himself frum while also being someone that experiences homosexuality. (That’s the way I prefer to put it, I know you along with many other just say SSA.) Someone recently shared your page with me, and I’ve read everything you published so far.
I don’t even know where to start, but your work is so incredible and beautifully written. I deeply resonate with a lot you write about, and have had very similar experiences of stories you’ve published here.
There’s one thing I want to mention. For me personally, even though I intellectually know that there are so many people out there who struggle with the same situation as you and I, for the longest time it never felt that way. It feels lonely and isolating, having no one to relate to. However as I started reading your content, it’s like the layers of those feelings are starting to slowly peel away, bridging the gap between the intellect and feelings.
What I mean to say is, what you’re doing is so valuable. It’s so important for this topic to be discussed and I wish it would be more, in mainstream frum media. But you’re definitely contributing to getting the ball rolling. I’m almost sure it’s also helpful to other people that read it who are also struggling even if they don’t reach out to tell you.
I’ll leave off for now with saying, I have a lot of admiration for you and for starting this page. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be inspired enough to start my own page too. I wish you the best, and look forward to reading your continued work.”
I want to conclude by encouraging anyone who wants to reach out to me, whether you personally struggle or not, to reach out. I don’t bite. I also want to encourage anyone who knows people who will benefit from reading my posts to share them as you see fit. I sincerely believe that many people can benefit from reading my work, and I hope that you can help make that happen.
As long as it’s in good faith, of course.